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We’ve got to do something about these damned pussy small speed limits! 110 kph should be reserved for special occasions, such as funeral processions, and the rest of us should be able to go - at minimum - 200 kilometers per hour. In fact, I think there should be a law calling for fines and beatings for anyone traveling below 200 kph. Perhaps the highway patrol could assemble a team of big ass troll weightlifters to drive around with a radar gun, find these slow butt chompers, pull them over, and beat them over the head with their own cars. Most of them seem to drive those little electowuss deals, so it shouldn’t be all that difficult for a troll to use one as a club.

And another thing: People who actually know how to drive - people like me - should be given an official permit to fruck up bad drivers. We’ll be issued special cars equipped with all kinds of rams and guns and jammers and spinney, whirly kinda drill like things and we’ll ride around all day, find bad drivers, and turn their autos into a piece of modern art. Especially those fools who insist on planting their slow, swerving asses in the left lane. I’ll just jaunder up next to them, give them a warning finger, and then use my pop-out side hydraulic rams to knock them into the Delaware river.

And then there’s those idiot snots in their Westwinds, driving along like they friggin own the... what? I have a call? From the director of the Philadelphia Department Of Roads, Janice Glass? Well, put her on!

Do you realize how many additional accidents raising the speed limit to 200 kph would cause?

No, how many?

Well, I don’t have any official projections.....but that’s not the point! The point is that we have people slamming into each other while traveling at the existing speed limit. Raising it an additional 90 kph would be disastrous!

Now, for once in my life, I’m going to agree with somebody. I’ll agree with you that we may see a temporary increase in damages and fatalities.

So, the glorious Razor is philosophically mortal.

Hold your comments, snotgirl. See, I also propose that anybody who travels at 200 kph and causes an accident should lose their license for life, as well has receive an anal probe with a stun baton.

Ugh.

Yeah, but you see where I’m coming from.

Huh. So, while people could travel at 200kph, most probably would not. Perhaps only the best drivers would accelerate to such speeds, and even they would be quite careful.

I almost don’t have the heart to tell you that today’s prank involves the South Street bridge.

Shit!

(click)

I hated to lie, but I didn’t think she’d ever go away. Ok, on to the news:

Top Philadelphia government negotiators are working around the clock to reach an agreement with the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transit Authority (SEPTA) in order to prevent a strike slated for the middle of the month. We listened in on the negotiations via a nifty bug we has a janitor install the previous night. Here’s some highlights:

If you (expletive deleted) think you can (expletive deleted) with our benefits then you can (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) with a diseased monkey!

Now listen you little union (expletive deleted), we’ll (expletive deleted) eat (expletive deleted) before we (expletive deleted) those terms you (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) last month!

(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)!

(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)?

(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)(expletive deleted)!

(expletive deleted)!

For those of you who don’t have a car: Happy walking.

The Philly Department of labor is happy to announce that unemployment is down to a mere 5%. What they didn’t announce is that certain changes have been made to the way they obtain their numbers, specifically the fact that beggars are, as far as the stats are concerned, employed as ‘Non-Traditional Investors’. In addition, the report establishes the following new employment categories: Pharmaceuticals Investigator (junky), Creative Purchaser (thief), and Street Entertainer (the crazy guy who talks to walls and shits on the subway). Yeah, things are definitely looking up for Philly.

The rest of the news is really boring, so I’m going to skip ahead to Smudge Hansom and the prank of the day. Now for those of you who’ve been living in a box, I should point out that our original Mr. Pathetic, Fudge Hansom, blew the living hell out of the William Penn statue sitting on City Hall and is now re-thinking his plan between beatings at the Ardmore Federal Penitentiary. So, until Fudge’s 40 years to life are over, Smudge will be filling in for him. Take it away, Smudge!

(silence)

I said: Take it away, Smudge!

(silence)

Damnit, will somebody tell him how to turn the microphone on!

Hello?

That’s better. Do you have a prank for me, Smudge?

Hello?

Show him the earpiece volume. In fact, jack it way up. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, SMUDGE!?

Yeow! Yeah, I can hear! I can hear!

Praise the lord, the deaf have been healed. Where’s my prank, Smudge?

Well, this is my first time so it may be a bit simple for your tastes.

No excuses.

Well, ok. Here goes:

I’ve assembled a team of deckers, electricians, and technicians who have been working around the clock to tie a majority of the city’s credstick terminals into the driver record database at the Department Of Transportation, the criminal records system of Minuteman security, and the scheduling mainframe at Northeast Continental Airport. Using a search, replace algorithm combined with customized 30,000 mps routers and a borderline AI random insult generator we’ve cross-referenced all information we could obtain on individuals listed in those databases and had the insult machine generate customized output catering to the individual personalities of those who use the system. When an individual interfaces with any input/output devices tied into the system they will receive customized output which will also be downloaded into the cross-referenced system array. By the conclusion of the day, each record on file will contain elements of this customized output encrypted into its basic algorithmic structure in 512 bit code.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . uh . . . . . . . . . . . . . come again?

Well, we’re basically insulting people via their IO terminals.

Oh! Well, ok, that sounds, uh, good.

There still may be a few bugs in the crossverifier, though.

Uh, well, you’ll have to fix that, I guess.

Are you ok, Razor?

Yeah. Fine. I just gotta lie down for a little bit.

Well, we won’t feel the full effects of the system for a few hours. This is an unfortunate, but unavoidable side effect of the system’s complexity.

Yeah.

Ok, see you later Razor.

Yeah. Have a good one, Smudge. And I think I’ll just sign off for today.

Anybody got any aspirin?

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