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.....so I say to him: Look, jerk off. You think you can do better? Then get your own damn radio show! And then this cop wearing nothing but pink polkadot boxer shorts walks up and..... Oh, goodness. We’re on. Well, you freaks out there in listenerville aren’t even worthy of the pink polkadot cop story so write your own ending. Hint: It involved weasels.

OK, this is Razor welcoming you to the 2849884293480289034th installment of Radio Phree Philadelphia. This week we actually have a special guest. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call him special. And I guess, technically, he really isn’t a guest either. Perhaps I should let him introduce himself. Judy, undo the man’s gag.

..mphfmunnn..I’m going to kill you, Razor!

Some originality would be nice, Mr. Mayor.

Fine, I’m going to rip off your testicles and shove them....

Watch it, boss, you’re constituency is listening. You wouldn’t want to lose the Christian vote because of your use of foul language.

No decent people listen to your show, you freak.

Gee, Mr. Hotstuff, from the overwhelmingly negative reaction your recent campaign against free speech has been getting I’d say a lot of decent people tune in.

We’re not against free speech, we’re just anti, uh, well......YOU!

(sniffle) I’m hurt.

And we almost got you!

Yeah, everything was going peachy till you decided to take a gander at the front lines yourself.

You kidnapped me!

So harsh. Actually, as I recall, you were prancing in front of the trid cameras after blowing up transmitter 7 and fell through an open sewer grate landing smack dab in the lap of Brick, our troll technician.

Err....

One mustn’t turn down manna from Heaven......

The cops are gonna find you and they’re gonna waste you.

Will they have a warrant with them this time?

Uh, what do you mean?

None of the attacks on our facilities were legal. YOU broke the law. And guess what, bucko: WERE SUEING YOU!

WHAT?!?!

The papers are filed, the case should hit the courts by next Thursday.

You can’t!

We are. Judy, gag him.

You son of a ghmphhempgh........................................

Remember kids: Sometimes it’s just plain EASIER to do things legally! But not always. Which reminds me, today’s fun phone is routing calls from Fuchi Technical Support. The phone’s been ringing off the wall for a good three hours now. Perhaps it’s time to actually take a call. Fuchi Tech Support, whaddaya want?

I just purchased a Fuchi Cyber 6 and was wondering....

Ah, yes, we run into that problem all the time. Here’s what you do. Take the blue wire...

Uh, yeah...

Splice it into the green wire...

The deck’s starting to make a funny sound.

That’s perfectly normal. Now take the brown wire....

I don’t see a brown wire.

Fine, then the white one.

OK.

Fuse it directly with pins 1-5 of the MPCP chip.

Are you sure that....

Damnit, do you want my help or not?

Uh, yes.

OK, now take the BIG RED WIRE and fuse it with, oh, lets try the third chip to the left.

The deck is on fire now.

Looks like you’re all set! (click)

Ahhh, I always feel good after helping others. Which reminds me; it’s time for the Prank Of The Day with Fudge Hansom. You’d better thrill me this time, Fudge, or I’ll give you a reason to buy ANOTHER cyber arm.

I’ve got a goodie for you today, Razor.

A what?

A goodie.

What in the hell is a goodie?

Well, it’s good...ie.

Ah. I see.......Did anybody ever tell you that you have the mentality of a five year old?

I don’t think there’s anybody who hasn’t.

You still wet your bed, don’t you Fudge?

(Silence)

OK, whatever. What’s the prank, Fudge?

Well, Razor, today I paid a worker at the local GridLink facility to reverse the polarity of a majority of the city’s street navigational and vehicular power grid.

Very scientific. I’m impressed. You probably frightened away half our listenership by utilizing such a technical concept. Essentially, everything should go backwards.

Or blow up.

Either way we win. Where’s the punch line?

Oh, well, here it comes. I’m patching now into a series of microphones planted in various GridLinked vehicles. First we have a city bus:

Woooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

A cab:

Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And, finally, the rental car currently driven by Nexus of Pirate 102 FM, New York:

FuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkYoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuRaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzoooooooooo ooorrrrrrrrrrrr!

Fudge, you are totally redeemed.

Thank you.

OK. Swell. Lets take another call from the Fun Phone. Hullo, this is Fuchi Tech Support. How may I screw, uh, help you?

Well, my Fuchi Cyber 4 has been....

I’m sorry, we didn’t make the Cyber 4.

But it’s a Fuchi deck.

Yes, but Fuchi didn’t make it.

Well, who did?

Fuchi.

Isn’t this Fuchi tech support?

Yes.

Well, can you help me with a problem with a Fuchi deck?

Yes.

Can you help me with a problem with a Fuchi Cyber 4?

Yes.

Well, my Cyber 4 has been...

I’m sorry, Fuchi doesn’t make the Fuchi Cyber 4.

(silence)

Exactly where did I lose you sir?

(click)

Geeze, how rude.

Well, that’ll about cap it for today. On behalf of all of us at Radio Phree Philadelphia I’d just like to say: Go away.

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