Below are three examples from a current installment of modern artistic works currently on display at the Seattle Art Museum. Each piece has been analyzed by two noted art critics. The first critic, Edmond LaFrume, is a traditionalist who acquired his masters in art studies from the North American Institute for the Forwarding of Universal Artistic Interpretation Endeavors. The second critic, Snake Reamer, is a art demolitionist student who acquired his degree by pointing a large caliber pistol at the dean of the American Institute for the Forwarding of Universal Artistic Interpretation Endeavors.

Exhibit 1028 

Title: Kleenex
Medium: Snot on Plywood
Artist: A Large Troll Named ‘Booger’

LaFrume’s Interpretation: I feel anguish. Pent up pain and anguish. A hidden rage which suddenly explodes upon the dematerialized materialization of modern societal constructural monotony. A damning blotch appears as the rage subsides, leaving an everlasting reminder that the trivial nonbeing of everyday existence can compound and aggravate into a demonic subsistence backlash that engulfs the souls of all those who live the lie.

Snake’s Interpretation: Have you ever had a really, really bad cold and your nose just doesn’t seem to want to clear out and you’ve tried blowing into a tissue and you’ve tried all the nasal decongestants on the market and you’ve tried those wretched little spray bottles that sting your eyes and you’re on the verge of coming to the conclusion that you will never, ever breathe through your nose again so you decide to take a shower and as the steam hits you notice that things seem to be loosening up and you figure, using the same logic you used all those times you peed in the drain, “What the hell? I’m in the shower. What could I possibly mess up?” so you close off one nostril by pressing your finger up against the side of your nose and you blow as hard as you can through the other nostril and, with a mighty wet ‘POP’, the seemingly eternal nose blockage vents itself all over the shower curtain? Well, that’s what this painting says to me.

Exhibit 8772 
 

Title: Frag Frag Frag Frag (repeat 1000 times)
Medium: An Odd Blue Gel Nobody Can Quite Identify on Circuitry
Artist: Digitex Millinium

LaFrume’s Interpretation: Technological oppression no more! The decisive vulgarity of an obscenity juxtaposed against the rigidity of unattached mircroprocessing efficiency creates a galactic empowering theme of digital binding ripped apart by man’s inner combatant strength.

Snake’s Interpretation: So I bought a new Fuchi MMTXL 200k lapdeck the other day and when I tried to install a new 1.2 Mil mps interface the damn thing started smoking and shaking and beeping so I tried to call user support and the put me on hold for twenty minutes during which I was forced to listen to a loop of crappy Bob Verone and the Weens music and when a rep finally came on the phone she was ruder than a drunk comedian and basically she told me to take my modem and shove it up my ass so I decided to get hold of my decker friend, Mr. Megapulse, and paid him 20 grand to change the SAN node of their public database to a gigantic representation of a well known, common, yet rarely seen human body orifice. In other words, I feel the artist’s pain.

Exhibit 2102 
 

Title: Nude Descending Manhole
Medium: Nothing on Asphalt
Artist: Fred Anonymous

LaFrume’s Interpretation: The bleak blackness of never-ending urban peril screams ‘Stop The Hurting!’ in words so loud that they cannot be denied by man nor beast. I see the depths to which every man will fall in order to gain a foothold in the violent self-destructing minimalist expansionist domain of the modern world. The cold ebony touches my soul.

Snake’s Interpretation: A man finds out that he only has 8 hours to live, so he goes home and makes love with his wife once, twice, three times, and finally they fall asleep, and at 3 A.M. he tries to wake her up, and she says, “Not AGAIN! Some of us have to get up in the morning!” (Sure, this joke doesn’t have anything to do with the exhibit, but it isn’t any more detached than the exhibit’s relevance to art. In other words, this piece sucks.)