|
Once again I’m neglecting my duties as a disseminator of
semi-informative, yet occasionally useless, Shadowrun advice in the name
of slacking off. My last fake questions article was such a hit that I’ve
decided to give it another go. Anything to avoid honest work.
Q:
There’s a player in my group who smells absolutely wretched. In our last
session three of my regular players became violently ill, with one falling
into a coma immediately after Jack entered the room. Is there anything I
can do about this?
A: First, it is important to determine precisely to what
degree this individual reeks, using the following table as a guide:
|
Wretched |
Street bums gag whenever this individual is in the area. |
|
Very Wretched |
Flies flee at his
approach. |
|
Oh God, Is it Human? |
Cartoon-like smell
rays are visibly emanating from the individual’s body. Raw sewage
shutters at his approach. Air freshener canisters explode when this
person enters the vicinity |
If the person is merely Wretched, I suggest wrapping a bug
spray wrapper around a large can of Lysol and then chasing an imaginary
fly around the room until the fly ‘lands” directly on this individual’s
head, at which time you hold down the nozzle and count to one-hundred.
Very Wretched Individuals can usually be made to smell more attractive by
giving them a once over with a decent sized flame thrower. Individuals
possessing Non Human odors are probably just that, not human, and I
suggest that you get ahold of Scully of the X-Files to figure out how to
return the individual to his home planet.
Q: I
just got a new computer and I want to know how to use the foot pedal.
A: It’s a mouse, you idiot.
Q:
I’ve written a Shadowrun adventure in Swahili using a German version of
WordPerfect 1.2 and have zipped, bin-hexed, arcd and encrypted the file.
Would you mind posting it on your page?
A: Sorry, I don’t take submissions. But I’m sure Paolo
Marcucci would be more than happy to post it on the Shadowrun Archive. :)
Q: My
friends and I like to drink heavily while playing Shadowrun.
Unfortunately, after the 10th or 15th beer, I start to have trouble GMing.
Any suggestions on how I can gamemaster more effectively while completely
obliterated?
A: The important thing is to make sure the players are at
least twice as smashed as you are. Start out by offering them free karma
every time they finish a beer. You won’t have to give out karma for long
because soon they’ll be willing to toss one back in exchange for a few
rounds of light pistol ammo. Make sure they always stay five to ten drinks
ahead of you. After your 10th drink (and their 20th) nobody will be able
to tell how badly you’re GMing.
Here are a few other pointers to help you get through the
evening:
1. When rolling dice, always half the number of successes you
think you got. This is to compensate for double vision. If you don’t see
any successes at all it either means you didn’t roll any or have slipped
out of your chair and fallen underneath the gaming table.
2. Throwing up on the GM should result in a drastic reduction
of karma.
3. All riggers should obtain a designated driver.
4. Finally, if so desired, empty bottles may be placed in two
rows of 10, thus creating an interesting alternative to boring paper based
condition monitors. (“Finish the Coors, Bob, I’ve gotta drop myself down
to Moderate!”)
Q: My
friends and I are trying to break the World Record for the longest
role-playing session. So far we’ve been playing twenty days straight
without sleep and I’m beginning to think that the purple comet wiglies are
something happening in the pumpernickel.
A: Ah, I see. I suggest you fwiggle the snide buckers and
clementate novas dematerialization. But, I have to admit, I’m not a
specialist on the subject.
Q: I
have a joke for you: Where does a Security Guard who likes simple forms of
plant life live? Mossberg! Get it? Mossberg! Ha! Ha! Aren’t I just the
funniest guy who ever lived?
A: No.
Q: A
person at my church said that role-playing games are the work of the Devil
and that I will go to Hell for playing them. Is he right?
A: I’m not sure, but if role-playing does get you into Hell,
the Devil will probably make me GM.
Q:
How many PCs have been killed in your games?
A: Only one. I just didn’t realize a pewter miniature could do
that much damage.
Q:
Not PLAYERS, PCs!
A: Oh. All of them. I like to kill them off within the first
five or ten minutes of the gaming session. The turn sequence flows much
faster if you don’t have those damned PCs slowing everything down.
Q:
What are your future plans for Brumby, Troll Philosopher?
A: Aside from the traditional writings, I’m planning a
merchandising campaign featuring Brumby trading cards, books, collectors
plates, dolls, pillow cases, firearms, and designer drugs. Look for all of
these items soon at your local gaming store and/or inner city playground.
Q: Do
you think you will ever completely stop writing stuff for Shadowrun?
A: Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. You should see some of the
E-mail I get when I miss one of my weekly updates. Some of it’s downright
frightening. Some examples:
Dear Blackjack,
If you miss another weekly update, I will burn down your apartment.
Dear Blackjack,
We have kidnapped your sister. Post some more Brumby or we will sell her
into the Thai sex trade.
Dear Blackjack,
Located beneath your chair is a small device which contains A: A heat
sensor, and B: 5 kilograms of C-4. If you attempt to move from in front of
your computer without posting some more Radio Phree Philadelphia the
device will detonate, killing you and everybody else on the block. Just
thought I’d let you know.
Q:
When do you plan on finishing this article?
A: Right about now. |
