Well it looks like the Shadowrun Companion is coming (or is) out. I’m personally quite interested in seeing it because it appears that they have a few entries regarding overbearing PCs, running the game smoothly, and other domains which I have devoted much time to contemplating, understanding, and writing about without receiving so much as a dime in compensation. Viva La Internet.

So, in an effort to stay competitive I’ve decided to devote this week’s article to answering questions that FASA probably wouldn’t touch in a million years because nobody in a million years would think of asking them. In other words, every one of the following illogical questions was pulled from nowhere, similar to pulling a rabbit out of a hat, but with less fur and rabbit droppings. The sad thing is, some of the following questions are frightening similar to actual questions I’ve received in the past. Makes you wonder how our species survived...

Q: How do the dice work?

A: The way dice work is you go to your local gaming store and decide what “theme” your dice will have. Some people prefer normal dots, some numbers, some colored and some not. Also available are dice with little faces on them, dice with ugly little faces on them and dice which would have had little faces on them if the factory hadn’t screwed them up. When making your final purchase make sure that A: Your six sided dice have six sides, and B: You have chosen an extremely obscure die theme so the store owner can place a secret call back to the die company telling them to cease production of that particular theme so when you find out a week later that playing a decker requires about a thousand dice you can search around forever and ever for dice that match your originals, which is futile, thus forcing you to buy a completely new set. This is how the RPG industry keeps itself in business.

When you finally acquire your dice take them home and toss them on a flat object. If the dice do not land on the object properly it probably means there is no gravity at your current location. If there is no gravity then you are probably in space. Since there is no air in space you are probably also dead. I don’t even know how you managed to ask me this question.

Q: The players never seem to factor in pain which one of their PCs is hurt. How can I make them understand that pain is as incapacitating in the game as it is in reality?

A: You pretty much answered your own question. Since you can’t really force the players to feel pain through their PCs I find it is much more efficient to make the PCs feel pain through the PLAYERS! Keep a heavy wooden or, better yet, stainless steel yardstick at close reach and, whenever a PC takes damage, whack the player in approximately the same area the PC was damaged. Your PC takes a punch to the face......WHACK!

Q: My players constantly cheat when I GM. Is there anything I can do about this?

A: I think it’s a good idea to go with the “fight fire with fire” philosophy here and find ways to cheat at the game yourself. I, personally, have never cheated in my entire life but I have been informed that utilizing computerized die rolling programs lets you get away with murder. Be sure to add a +4 to the end of the individual die rolling subroutine to really pump up those die rolls, making sure to adjust any lines which activate a second die roll on a 6 to activate a second die roll on 6 or more as well as setting up a way to quickly switch to a program that legitimately rolls dice just in case the players want to look at what your doing. It’s also nice to have the program generate four or five complete rolls at a time so you can pick and choose which one you’d like to use. But, remember, I’ve never really tried cheating.....

Q: I have a friend who is a really good gamemaster but is also involved with narcotics trafficking, prostitution and has recently committed acts of arson against several nursing homes. But, again, he’s a friend and a really good GM. What should I do?

A: Remember the nonexistent ancient Egyptian saying: “A friend is as priceless as the River Nile.” Of course Egyptian currency and land values have depreciated much since then so make sure the award for information leading to your friend’s arrest exceeds at least $500. A replacement gamemaster can be found at any local gaming supply store.

Q: I am the mother of a 9 year old boy who plays the Shadowrun game in the basement with some friends. Recently he’s started calling everybody, including the pets, “chummer”. It is beginning to worry me. Any advice?

A: When raising children it is important to recognize that they tend to attach themselves to any ideas which give them power in their relatively mundane and insignificant little lives. Child psychologists assure us that this is only a phase and that parents should actually encourage this alternative world view as a method of strengthening their child’s self confidence and ability to negotiate with street whores. Help the child live his little empowerment fantasy. When he calls you “chummer” respond, with a smile, “wizzer!”. When he wants to spike his hair and replace his left arm with a large hunk of metal, drive him to the stylist and hospital. When he wants to crack off a few rounds from his UZI (available at most U.S. inner city middle schools) be sure the range in the back yard has sufficient backdrop. All the stress and sleepless nights and puncture wounds will be worth it when, later in life, he has the confidence and determination to keep the other inmates from accosting him in the shower.

Q: What’s your opinion on inter-PC sex?

A: Be sure to remove any miniatures or lit cigarettes from the gaming table before beginning.

Q: Not player sex, PC sex.

A: Oh. That’s OK, too. Just be sure that anybody involved uses the proper protection because most venereal infections in the year 2058 have been given comical names in the hopes that this would motivate safe sex. Nobody wants to die of “SwollenWinkie V”.

Q: I spend 20 hours out of each day either playing Shadowrun or looking at smut on the Internet. People are beginning to call me a “loser”, as well as no longer shaking my hand. But I like my SR and I like my smut. What can I do to convince them that I’m more than just a fantasy obsessed smutmonger?

A: Visit a Shakespeare page at least once a day. At least then people will think you’re a well read fantasy obsessed smutmonger.

Q: I play Shadowrun, as well as other RPGs, almost all day. My wife seems to be getting annoyed and I’m pretty sure she’s having an affair. How can I find out for sure what she’s thinking?

A: Hold on, I’ll ask her.........