Sometimes people forget about lil' ole me while they're on the way
to the soy ridden corporate eyesores known as Stuffer Shacks. Sure, my
shop my not have the pretty lighting, the smilin' guards, or a selection
of fifty different sloppy soy mutations. But what I got is way more valuable:
Personality. Sure, some folks call it vandalism, frequent gun battles,
spiders in the drink dispenser, or fungus under the store toilets. I still
like to call it personality. Each trip into my store isn't your typical
boring "get the synth milk and go home to the kids" kind of experience.
You never know if I forgot to pay off my bookie and there's going to be
another wipe out attempt, or perhaps Blubo, the guard, drank another fifth
of Southern Comfort before coming on duty and has started seein' giant
Now I admit I don't have the nice, stable selections that the Shack
has on account of the trucks getting hijacked on their way to the store.
But where else can you pick up a year old box of Wheaties, a Ruger Super
Warhawk, and a motorized PEZ despensor which shoots out candy at a velocity
of nearly one hundred meters per second?
Oh, so you want to know what I do got? Well, here's a sample of what
I'm getting in tomorrow barring land mines on the side streets:
Black Death cigarettes (Banned in 19 countries)
A box of chips which may be BTLs, or perhaps children's shows.
Exploding Zippos (Matte Black)
Non Exploding Zippos (Matte Black)
Some Predator IIs with barrels shaped like Big Bird
A number of stuffed rabbits (various sizes and colors)
Laugenhausen's Special Brew (with free Pepto Bismol)
Fifty pounds of edible animal matter of some kind
Clock radios that self destruct when the alarm goes off
20,000 rounds of assault cannon tracers
Trippy light displays (may induce vomiting)
Crepe Paper (two meter wide rolls only)
A few canisters of liquid nitrogen
Some of the stupidest looking hats in the entire world
And that's just tomorrow! Try to find this high quality merchandise
at a Stuffer Shack! Oh, yeah...have you ever noticed the back rooms in
Shacks are just that? They're back rooms? With boxes and stuff? What a
waste! I mean, with a nice sized back room like the one they got you could
fit tons of neat stuff. Stuff you generally don't want sitting on the shelves.
You know, stuff like....
What did you think I was going to say? Heavy explosives?