The Timeline Explorer, Bumpkin Style
By Blackjack [Blackjack's Shadowrun Page:] [] [@BlackjackSRx]

Posted: 1997-03-24

Events related to  
  • 1998: In response to the US firearms ban, residents of West Virginia, Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, and South Carolina use shotguns to annihilate every road sign in their respective states. 

  • 1999: In Frukston, Kentucky the Society For The Preservation Of Magical Critters is established. They disband a short time later, after realizing that the Awakening is not scheduled to occur for another 15 years.

  • 2001: Fans of the novel 2001: A Space Odyssey riot outside of NASA’s headquarters, demanding that they step up their interplanetary exploration efforts before they “ruin the next book, too.”

  • 2002: The predecessor to the Ares corporation opens in Dugton, Arkansas. The company moves a short while later because, as the CEO put it, “There ain’t a goddamned thing to do in Arkansas.”

  • 2004: A government study shows that 90% of the firearms owned by Americans are located on a rack in a pickup truck belonging to Bud Fredmore of Slippery Creek, West Virginia.

  • 2006: A nuclear plant in western Georgia experiences a massive meltdown. The local residents’ genes are so badly mutated that, for the next fifty years, their children are born perfectly normal.

  • 2010: The residents of Bumbuckle, Kentucky riot for no apparent reason. “We were just really bored,” stated a resident of the town. 

  • 2012: In West Pedunk, Tennessee; Bob Nugget, aged 13 years, punches his mother in the face after she refuses to let him continue tying up the phone line with his computer programming and hacking activities. A friend in the room remarks, “Bobby! You deck’d her!”. Thus a major Archetype was born.

  • 2015: In Kentucky the towns of Kruddlemunk, Plud, and Fernwhup are merged to form the village of Greater Sprunt.

  • 2017: Earl Rudman, a farmer in rural Georgia, unearths the Lost Temple Of Ultimate Wisdom, which he summarily bulldozes for the purpose of building a barn.

  • 2018: The first portable laser weapon is developed by Eugland Frunk of South Carolina for his Junior High School science project. It is immediately confiscated by his mother and thrown in the garbage, thus setting laser technology back several decades.

  • 2020: Elves around the world protest in earnest, demanding the right to have normal ears.

  • 2023: Bubba Snudson, a manure salesman vacationing on lake Winsnookle, is swallowed whole by a freshwater serpent. The creature immediately spits the man out, hacks, and dives back into the depths, never to be seen again.

  • 2025: The towns of Lenny, Slub, and Crools merge to form the village of Cowopolis. 

  • 2026: The first Livestock War: Gus Musson, after accidentally running over Pudge Simpson’s prize lamb, is attacked on his farm by a group of paranormal sheep. After a long and bloody battle the sheep are driven off by a courageous band of awakened chickens.

  • 2028: The first purely cybernetically controlled farm tractor is developed. 

  • 2030: Country singer Bobby Ray Emerson is shocked to death with cattle prods as an angry audience storms the stage after they discover that he drives a Westwind 2000, not a Dodge Ram.

  • 2031: The second Livestock War: After regrouping and retraining, Pudge Simpson’s paranormal sheep launch an all out assault against Gus Musson and his awakened chickens. The sheep, now led by an high level free Cow Spirit, overrun the farm and secure nearly 300 acres of prized grazing land.

  • 2032: The third Livestock War: Gus Musson and his awakened chickens, after receiving reinforcements in the form of cybered billy goats, mass around their captured farm. After ravaging their foes with long ranged artillery fire the force moves in, capturing the farm and their enemies in a battle that lasted less than a minute. Pudge Simpson is arrested and sentenced to 50 years in prison. The sheep are made into sweaters and sandwiches. The free cow spirit is forced into servitude after Gus learns its true name: Bessy. And with that the Livestock Wars came to an end.

  • 2035: News coverage of the Insurance Wars cuts in during an episode of Hee Haw, causing major riots in Dwebmung, Sput, and Fweeb Town. 

  • 2038: The government launches a major slash and burn campaign against the rural Georgia marijuana industry. Residents appear on camera, their fields smoldering behind them, and report that “this was some wild shit that happened down.....uh, what was the question?”

  • 2041: Buddy Upned of Clump, Mississippi is killed when a cow methane build up ignites and incinerates his farm. 

  • 2043: More than 100 UFO sightings in one night are reported in Grendlub, Kentucky. This is 10% increase over the normal rate of reports.

  • 2046: The Mafia and Yakuza battle ferociously for control of Twig, Arkansas. God only knows why.

  • 2050: Thousands of identical Street Samurai archetypes suddenly appear out of nowhere, all wielding Ingrams, possessing Wired Reflexes 3, and sporting scaryish names like “Killer”. 

  • 2055: South Carolina alone orders 75,000,000 Remington 990 shotguns.

  • 2057: Bobby Bub Lubble of Kurdump, South Carolina finally replaces his 8-Track player with something more high tech, at last killing off the most disgraceful audio format in world history.